Over The Canopy

Feng Swayed


I used to wear cotton shirts…wonderful, light, comfortable cotton shirts from
binny`s but now all I have is itchy sweaty polyester shirts…and here’s why.

A Polyester businessman was down on his fortunes because customers preferred
cotton shirts for the Indian summer instead of his itchy scratchy polyester thingies.

So what does he do, run a market survey to find what’s wrong with his business?
Naah, that’s not an Indian thing to do and so he consults the usual plethora of baba’s, sadhu’s , (and just to be politically correct, sadhvi’s) and a few other saints well martyred in the past on how to improve his business and comes to the conclusion that his business is a failure because… his house is not properly laid out according to ancient architectural principles of Feng Shui !

Poof, the next step is a nearby ancient architecture “sciences” consultant who may recommend changing the person in question’s entire range of “subjects”…as in changing the houses geography (changing the true north to south...this doesn’t mean asking your south Indian neighbors to move into your house and vice versa), changing the history (modify your past tax records), mathematics (pay architecture “master” in multiples of Rs.1000 only), physics ( place the chair on the ceiling), chemistry amongst people (ask secretary to wear short skirts only), biology ( 3 legged turtles and neon fish in tanks), English (spout ancient architecture phrases like Ying and Yang), Chinese (Ying and Yang are Chinese words apparently), etc…

Having gone thru shady looking charts and other shadier characters the business man finally comes upon the conclusion to get ancient sciences in the picture and change his business according to the Master plan or is it “Masters Plan”?
So finally our polyester shirt businessman architectures his way around and carries on business from the terrace while living and bathing on the veranda.
But…
And here’s a big but.
His business changes and there come the fortunes!
But how is that? It all starts in a small way.
Apparently the businessman’s wholesale customers visit his place of business and see the architechturised renovated uninhabitable office... Oh my god they say!
The bloke must be doing really well to hire those big ancient science master types!
Look at all the thousand rupee fishes and the specially crafted several thousand rupeed Buddha!
Business must be good for this guy… maybe other wholesalers are stocking up on polyester shirts too! And giving him good business at that!
Maybe he’s earning a lot!
Lets all stock up polyester shirts in hordes goes the clarion cry!
Immediately what follows is sheer demand for the poly thingies… with wholesaler after wholesaler buying them up so he doesn’t lose out on competition.
The businessman’s business flourishes like never before
This builds up
Others see how successful the businessman has become and start redoing their house plans.
Many others, unfortunate as it may seem for our skin, startup polyester shirt selling businesses.
A rather sad and itchy fall out, you may agree.
The logical conclusion of this stocking up is that it has to be offloaded somewhere
Soon all shops are replacing good ol’ wearable cotton shirts with tons of polyester shirts of all colors, all shapes, all sizes and all itches…from purple flowery patterned to bold striped orange ones.
We are in business yes siree.

The polyester shirt businessman is making money in hordes since there’s only demand for polyester shirts! It’s all because of “ancient science” he says... I was down on my luck till I changed the house plan he proclaims from his terrace office.
Soon “ancient science” is all the more popular…his master becomes an internationally certified master…look how he changed the poly guys fortunes!
Soon people of all types are changing their house layouts with polka dotted fishes in the aquarium to physically challenged three legged turtles …not to forget the cheerful laughing Buddha…he certainly helps some people laugh all the way to the bank…mostly the guys who make them!
Wind chimes are a big hit too! Wind chimes are placed in every room entrance. Apparently running face forward into wind chimes simply beats stubbing your toes on table corners when trying to find the bathroom in the night.
The household and neighborhood brats can hit the chimes with aluminum antenna rods just to make much needed noise on weekends when you’re trying to take a nap.
And third, dangling tacky looking dolphins apparently adds to the décor.

Soon it’s a revolution and everyone’s changing their house plans in a blaze of glory...
Next to potholes the hands up in air horizontally challenged laughing Buddha guys are the most visible thing on footpaths considering the sheer numbers being hawked there.

Meanwhile people like me searching for a wearable alternative end up buying these Chinese torture polyester shirts in droves simply because;
1. Its festival time and I haven’t brought something to cover myself up.

2. There are no cotton shirts available since all the wholesalers only have polyester shirts… after all “market mein wahi chalta hai”! So the retailers also stock them up and as demand increases more polyester shirts are ordered for.

3. My wife thinks Mr. Khanna next door looks lovely with his purple checked sweat stained polyester thingy.
And so the inevitable cycle starts. Everyone from your watchman to your MD scratch their armpits in unison and sweat it out in India’s hot humid weather in polyester shirts.
Lou Bega would agree. I have a polyester shirted friend everywhere….
Then some MBA educated idiot comes into the country and prices pure cotton shirts at 800 bucks claiming they’re premium products… I wonder what we wore since childhood.
Soon I have to buy one single cotton shirt of a premium brand at half my salary….
Damn the ancient sciences guy
The gargoyle who makes the poly shirts is now apparently a billionaire.
All thanks to “ancient sciences”
And me
Am sweaty itchy and very much poly shirted
Still itching……………… for revenge that is……